In our book club this month, we read The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas. (An interesting book, although not one I would necessarily recommend!) One of the things we discussed at our meeting was friendship.
Two characters in the book, Rose and Anouk, who met when young, still saw each other socially because of a mutual best friend. However, under the surface, they had grown apart and secretly despised each other. One scene in the book was illuminating; Rose was upset because of her difficult relationship with her mother. She spoke to Anouk on the phone, and, in that moment, was able to feel a true connection with her old friend. Rose also had two new friends - Shamira and Bilal, who she initially felt much warmer to than to Anouk. In spite of this, at the first hurdle in their friendship, they abandoned her with ease.
Some of the people I consider to be my best friends, I barely see. Months can go by with no contact. Yet when we meet, we pick up where we left off and it feels as if no time has gone by at all. Being with them is easier; fundamentally, they know and understand me. My idiosyncrasies, faults and uncertainties are familiar to them.
It depends on how you term friendship. I don’t think there is a universal set of requirements. Should you have prerequisites: loyalty and honesty; someone you can “be yourself” with; who you can learn from and helps you to grow; who is fun? I cannot explain what sets those closest to me apart from the rest (excepting the above!). It is a million indefinable qualities that make them my best friends.
One could argue that you need to have something in common; shared interests or values. Equally, it is important to have friends who are different to you and who can provide a perspective you would never have otherwise. I have monumental, passionate, never-ending arguments with one of my best friends. It can get to the point where I am beside myself with fury that he “just does not get it”, and vice versa. However, I don’t think our conflicting opinions on certain issues devalues our relationship at all.
As I get older, increasingly I have had to face the dilemma of whether to persevere with or relinquish an old friend. Is a shared history or mutual effort more important in friendship? On one hand you have an old friend who you love, but never see. On the other, there are a myriad of new, exciting, untried potentials out there. In the course of human events and activities, people grow up, change, and can naturally drift apart. Should you say, “I appreciate all the good times we have shared, and will cherish those memories, but we are no longer friends”?
If they are a true friend, I don’t think so.
NB The title is a quote from cultural critic John Leonard.
No comments:
Post a Comment