Being Single: A “How-To” Guide

sin·gle  /ˈsiNGgəl / 

Reiterate to uncomprehending friends, a thousand times over, that you feel you shouldn’t have to compromise your standards or your integrity just for the sake of having a partner. When they look quizzical, become guarded. Tell them you have a perfectly full life and don’t need a spouse to achieve this. Get annoyed at yourself for getting defensive. It just makes these friends think you are lacking something.

Ruminate over when and why this unspoken social tenet that “it’s better to be in a relationship” crept up on you. When did it become a mark of inadequacy to be single? Have those moments where you wonder if you’ll be alone forever. Are you too fussy? Will anyone ever love you despite all your (considerable) flaws?

Reassure yourself and shake off these errant flashes of panic. Remind yourself that what you have been telling everyone is actually true. You shouldn’t have to get to a point where you almost start thinking it’s not OK to be single. You shouldn’t have to defend yourself to people. Why are you in a Catch 22?

Be completely and utterly selfish in a way you can’t be if you have a significant other. No compromises. No concessions. Go out with YOUR favourite people. Cook YOUR favourite food. Wake up when YOU want. And so forth, ad infinitum.

Rejoice in being single. Delight in the luxury of going where you want, when you want, with who you want. Without having to tell anyone where you are or what you are doing, or who you are with, if you so choose.

Laugh about overly couply friends with your fellow singletons. Be amazed at how oblivious some people are. Have a mortal fear that one day you’ll be blinded by love and unconsciously push all your friends away. Promise yourself never to become like that, never to be a shitty friend. Use this as a reason not to be in a relationship. Hey, you need all the rationale you can get.

Openly admit if you find someone attractive. Flirt outrageously with them. Why not? Get a little frisson of pleasure if it’s reciprocated. Dismiss them later on. Find a box they don’t tick, an excuse, a reason not to take it further. It’d never work out if you gave them a chance anyway.

Wonder how you became so pessimistic.